remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
