Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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