its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
