Just fell off a train. Bad.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
