I'm so fucking centered right now
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
