she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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