Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
