You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
