My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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