Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
