I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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