If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
