Kelly, is this rhetorical, or sarcastic? You are very kind & quite beautiful, but we never really evolved into anything & your prevailing ambivalence spoke more than words ever could.
"We" really do not exist-if we ever did. Both of us may have been hoping for more than was possible.
I would enjoy sitting down to talk about the dissolution, but think it may end up being counter productive.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
