now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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