My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I need a beard to bite.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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