Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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