Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She told me I should be a condom model.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
