I wish my penis had an off switch
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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