i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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