John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
