Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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