I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
