I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
