Your face is a jimmy john
Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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