I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
