you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He felt like a one man threesome
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
