so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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