Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
