Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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