the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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