dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
