Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Randomize
