...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
