I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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