I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
