I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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