Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
