Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
