Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
