I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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