you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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