I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
