he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
