I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
