I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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