Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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