theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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