Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
