The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize
