i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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